Episode #205 Don't Be Defensive

Three Problems

• Defensiveness often hurts us more than it protects us.
• A defensive posture closes our ears to others’ perspectives and closes our hearts to others’ emotions.
• The most unhelpful companion to defensiveness is shame.

Five Principles

• The desire to defend ourselves is normal and natural.
• We can recognize and explore our defensive tendencies without letting them control us.
• When we admit our mistakes, it actually increases the respect others have for us.
• It is easier to accept that we’ve done something wrong when we remind ourselves that this doesn’t make us a bad person, partner, or professional.
• We can set aside our defensiveness in this moment without setting it aside forever.

Seven Practices

• As soon as you recognize it, acknowledge, “I’m feeling defensive right now.”
• Reflect on your defensive emotions with the questions, “What am I afraid of?” and “What do I feel the need to protect?”
• Once you have identified the root cause of your defensiveness, express this verbally to lower your emotional temperature.
• Push pause in the middle of your next fight so your mind can catch up to your emotions.
• Have a conversation with the defensive part of yourself, allowing them to feel heard before ushering them into the waiting room of your mind.
• Prepare your heart in advance for conversations that tend to invite defensiveness.
• When faced with difficult feedback, consider, “Is anything they said even 1% true?”