Episode #205 Don't Be Defensive

We cannot embrace someone with both arms when we are holding a shield. This week, Casey and Jenna Greenawalt consider productive responses to defensive emotions in their professions, their marriage, and their friendships with others.

Show Notes

I’m afraid that my belief or position is going to get missed in this conversation. I’m afraid that if I listen to you, then what about the thought that I’m about to say?
Jenna Greenawalt

Three Problems

  • Defensiveness often hurts us more than it protects us.
  • A defensive posture closes our ears to others’ perspectives and closes our hearts to others’ emotions.
  • The most unhelpful companion to defensiveness is shame.

Five Principles

  • The desire to defend ourselves is normal and natural.
  • We can recognize and explore our defensive tendencies without letting them control us.
  • When we admit our mistakes, it actually increases the respect others have for us.
  • It is easier to accept that we’ve done something wrong when we remind ourselves that this doesn’t make us a bad person, partner, or professional.
  • We can set aside our defensiveness in this moment without setting it aside forever.

Seven Practices

  • As soon as you recognize it, acknowledge, “I’m feeling defensive right now.”
  • Reflect on your defensive emotions with the questions, “What am I afraid of?” and “What do I feel the need to protect?”
  • Once you have identified the root cause of your defensiveness, express this verbally to lower your emotional temperature.
  • Push pause in the middle of your next fight so your mind can catch up to your emotions.
  • Have a conversation with the defensive part of yourself, allowing them to feel heard before ushering them into the waiting room of your mind.
  • Prepare your heart in advance for conversations that tend to invite defensiveness.
  • When faced with difficult feedback, consider, “Is anything they said even 1% true?”