Episode #96 Controlling Isn't Caring

Three Problems

• We often substitute controlling for caring and then wonder why those we love choose to distance themselves from us.
• When the desire to keep others safe leads to controlling behavior, those we seek to protect actually become less safe and less strong.
• Controlling leaders cultivate environments where others become controlling as well.

Three Products of Control

• We find ourselves resenting those who resist our control.
• We find ourselves feeling empty, alone, and unloved.
• We find ourselves in a desperate cycle of controlling others even more.

Five Principles

• Parenting is an ongoing process of releasing control.
• Domestic violence takes place when we crave control so desperately that we pursue it at any cost.
• When we model emotional responsiveness, we inspire those around us to engage with their emotions in a healthier way.
• Controlling behavior is always rooted in fear.
• Empathy is the ability to enter into the emotions of others without experiencing them as our own.

Three Practices

• When others seem to avoid you, consider whether you have been controlling rather than caring.
• When you recognize that you have acted in a controlling way, ask yourself, “What is it that I am afraid of?”
• Whenever you begin to raise your voice, evaluate whether you are being emotionally reactive or emotionally responsive.